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Maxim Gets It All Wrong

Okay, I’m watching the Maxim Hot 100 on VH1, just for… uh… research purposes! Yeah, just in case some important… um… researchy situation where I might need to know who was on it for some science-like reason. Yeah! Oh, and not to mention that I had to make sure that they got it right! Yeah, for that reason.

Anyway, I thought it was interesting but not surprising that Battlestar Galactica’s Grace Park (Boomer) was ranked higher than Tricia Helfer (Number Six), and I have nothing against that random chick who happened to be at #1 — but they were just wrong! I mean, hello? Duh!! It’s supposed to be Natalie Portman!! Is there anybody who doesn’t realize that she’s the hottest thing since sliced bread… oh wait, sliced bread isn’t hot, I mean… uh… toasted bread! Yeah, bread that you left in the toaster oven a little too long and it’s so hot that it… uh… catches on fire and then you try to pull it out of the oven but then the toast is so hot that it burns your fingers and you say to yourself, “Don’t Panic!” and so you think for a bit and then run to the fridge to put butter on them and then you remember that butter actually isn’t good for burns and then you lick it off and it stings like hell but then you go, “mmmmmm, butter!” but then you realize from the taste that it isn’t really butter but margarine instead and then you don’t remember whether that’s okay to put on burns or not and then the smoke alarm goes off and you remember from school that you have to go outside cuz it means it’s a fire drill but you’re too embarrassed because you didn’t listen to Todd Parr and are wearing your clean underwear on your head… um… I mean this is all hypothetical, for illustrative purposes of the hot toast and everything.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Natalie Portman being screwed… uh, I mean shafted… uh… I mean Maxim just got it all completely and totally incorrect by not having her #1. I mean, as I mentioned earlier, there were guys lining up to see her new movie weeks in advance, at the wrong freakin’ theatre! I mean, the damn film was so disappointing because she was only in fourteen scenes and really only had that one semi-interesting outfit where she was brushing her hair, but people still keep going to see the thing. You just can’t get any hotter than that!

But nooooooo, they don’t put the hotness that is Natalie Portman anywhere in the top ten, or the top twenty!!! Or, get this. Not. Even. In. The. Top. Frickin’. FORTY!!!!

Give me a fucking break!

So where did they put her? I kid you not, way down at forty-two! They listed forty-one not-so-hot women… well okay, that Lindsay Lohan isn’t half-bad… but still, when there isn’t a single hottie that is hotter than Natalie, how can you come up with forty-one so-called hotties to be ranked ahead of the one and only precioussss Natalie Portman!!

Un-frickin-believable!

Well, unless…

Unless, of course, this is Maxim’s way of letting everybody know that Natalie Portman is truly the answer to life, the universe, and everything. Yeah, that must be it.

Okay, so never mind! Go back to surfing the net for porn or whatever it was you were doing.